Coincidentally, it hits me back again.

I have no idea why I always have the knack to end up in the middle of things. Maybe perhaps like a lot of things, I want to.

Its a bit harsh to myself to say that all the situations and disloyalties and lies that had hit me like a merciless blade -are all a result of me subconsiously wanting it. But then again, I'd be lying to myself if I'd say I didn't want it.

I somehow needed an excuse to say that... I can't trust anyone fully.

Perhaps its a personality disorder or perhaps, an influence of too many angst filled shows. My childhood was the perfect one. I was sort of, the golden child if you would put it. Everyone is talented in one field. I was lucky enough to be talented in adapting and getting things fast. Which results me into well, getting a knack of things fast.

So why would I need an excuse to not trust anyone? I don't really want attention. In the past perhaps yes, I loved attention. Now.... not so much. Attention was something I had so much, that I came to loathe it. I was the center of it all, I used to love it, but not anymore.

I was never sure of my emotions, I was never sure of what I wanted. My heart and my mind are of two different person. Both have their strong opinions and won't rest. And it leaves me confused. I have no idea how I was feeling half the time.

So now, I find myself in a situation, I am pretty sure... I have no idea how to handle it. Should I tell her? I guess it would be selfish of me to not tell her. But then what good would it do? I know the major part of the reason why I would hide it from her is:

-it might not be true

and she might be angry at me. Because honestly, its a question of her choosing between her and me. I don't want her to choose. Its cruel. But then, it is also partly that I don't have confidence in our friendship. I know it is not strong enough to make her choose her over me.

I hate to admit it. But we are just not that close.